From the Introduction of Nine Questions, the book (soon to be published - stay tuned!).
Does your life feel amiss? Maybe it’s an obvious woe, where every moment seems arduous and heavy. Or perhaps you feel stuck in a rut, where even the most reliable pleasures are unsatisfying. It could be a persistent feeling of stress or anxiety, where even simple tasks are overwhelming. Or maybe it’s a more quiet languishing, where our existence just doesn’t seem to be as good as it could be.
For many of us, life commonly feels this way. We can see it every day as we careen from mood to mood. Sometimes these moods are breezy, lightly caressing us with the faintest distraction. But often they consume us, fully commanding our attention. They trigger a relentless bombardment of intrusive thoughts. Compressed by this unrelenting mental chatter and a profound sense of unease, we yearn for distraction. We reflexively reach for our smart phones, refrigerators, or fantasies, anything to take our minds away from the moment at hand. For many of us, much of life goes by in a blur.
But why is this the case? Why does so much of our life feel onerous and outside of our control? Why is contentment so fleeting and elusive? Why is it so hard to be just happy in the moment?
According to our wisest thinkers, the answers lay within us. Sure, bad things may happen. There are always events that will trigger temporary spasms of anger, fear, or grief. But such things don’t cause our suffering. You may lose an arm or win the lottery, but either way, eventually you’ll regress back to the same level of happiness you had before these life shocks. Our chronic discontents do not come from the outside, they come from within. It is our self that is wanting, our day to day living that underperforms. And too often, our existence is simply less fulfilling than it could be.
And, here’s the worst part, we are usually blind to this fact. We may have a vague sense that something is off and that things are not as good as they could be. But that’s typically as far as our perception takes us. Most of the time, we are so compressed in our thoughts, so busy just keeping up with life, that we don’t see what’s really going on. We stumble along from impulse to impulse, unaware of the reality behind our desires. We live according to other people’s expectations about who we are or what we should be. Usually it takes a near catastrophe to shake us from our routine and look more closely into our selves; and sometimes this looking comes too late. And, even if we make it this far, we might not know what it is we’re looking for. Either way, we struggle because we don’t really know our real selves.
For the past twenty years, I’ve been teaching a class at the University of Chicago that examines this problem. In the class, we sample from humanity’s vast collective wisdom. We read from philosophers and poets, scientists and monks, novelists and psychologists. We spend a lot of time comparing the insights of our most brilliant and perceptive thinkers. We ground all these different perspectives in modern science. And we try to see how these insights translate into our normal lives. Nine Questions explores much of what I’ve discovered, at least so far. It is a book about the hidden aspects of self, why it causes us so many problems, and what we can do about it.
Now most popular books on this subject usually fall under the general heading of “self help.” Some of these books are very useful and some are not, but they often follow a similar formula:
The author, typically someone with a Ph.D., claims some unique insight into what ails us;
They tell a story of how this insight transformed their own lives, bringing them riches, fame, or true fulfillment;
They promise that anyone can also find greater wealth, better sex, or deeper happiness by following this same “six-point program” or “eight-week plan” or something like that.
These ideas are so formulaic that, when I finished graduate school in the late 1990s, some friends joked that I should write such a book. My friend Sarah thought up a great title: Break with Fear, Bond with Love: Seven Steps for Reclaiming the Happiness You Deserve by John Oliver, Ph.D. She said that my softer-sounding first name, John, would market better than the more bellicose Eric (this was before the comedian John Oliver rose to fame and squelched that idea). We joked about weekend seminars and followup books like Break with Fear, Bond with Love at Work or Break with Fear, Bond with Love in the Bedroom. Once we started lobbing ideas about, the book just seemed to write itself.
Needless to say, Nine Questions is not that kind of book. First off, I’m no guru. I have a Ph.D. but it’s in political science, not an area known for its great insights on happiness and spiritual transcendence. I don’t have a one-of-a-kind secret formula that will make everything better in your life. Nor can I claim any particularly deep spiritual insights from my own experiences. I suffer from the same emotional turmoils and egoistic traps of any normal person. Although I may know myself better now than I did in my youth, I am definitely not a paragon of enlightenment.
Second, unlike many self help books, Nine Questions is not written to make you feel better about yourself. I don’t have a bunch of ready aphorisms that will put you at ease. I won’t offer a lot of pseudo-profound bullshit to expand your consciousness. You won’t find any dubious “hacks” that will improve your life in five minutes. Instead, this book examines what is happening at the deepest level of your existence. We are going to explore some complicated and counter-intuitive ideas. Self examination is always challenging and I’m going to offer some really uncomfortable truths. My goal here is to point out some complex realities, it is not to offer comforting platitudes.
Finally, there is only so much you can actually learn about your self from a book. This is an unfortunate admission, considering that I’m trying to entice you to read this one. But let’s be honest: self knowledge comes in many forms and many of our best lessons come more from our actual experiences than from words on pages. Love, inspiration, and enlightenment usually transcend language. And even if you’ve found that great book, if you’re going to fully inhabit your own lived experience, eventually you’ll have to leave its words behind.
There is, however, one really important thing that books can offer those of us on a journey of self exploration: new perspectives. Books help us understand our lives beyond the confines of our own immediate experiences. They take us past the limitations of our own intuitions, the habits of thought that blind us to deeper realities. Books give us a wider vantage point to reflect on our lives. They can upend our most tightly held convictions about who we think we are. They can help us see our selves more clearly.
The aim of Nine Questions is to help you gain new perspectives on your self. Hopefully, this will give you some tools to help you renegotiate your contract with your self and get a better deal. At the very least, I hope it will prompt you to follow Socrates dictum that a “well considered life is the only life worth living.”
Nine Questions is intended to be like an explorer’s map for your lived experience. It’s less “self help” and more “self guidebook.” I won’t offer any simple formulas or “seven-step plans,” but I will provide some insights about what is shaping this adventure you’re living through. I will explain what comprises your self and self perception. I will point out what keeps our selves from functioning well and how you can change this. I will discuss how we can be more than merely a passive spectator to our own lives. And hopefully, this will help you locate a more authentic and satisfying lived experience.
To do all of this, I start with nine questions. These are nine questions I always ask my students and guests on my podcast. They are designed help you to take stock of your own self knowledge and to begin to interpret your life experience. I invite you to stop and consider them now. I know it’s a pain when an author asks a reader to do anything, but in this case, it’s really worth spending just a little time reflecting on some basic questions. As you read each of these, take some time to think about your answers. They are:
What am I?
What is my purpose?
Who am I, really?
What are my dreams telling me?
How (not what) am I feeling?
Who is writing my life’s story?
Do I own my shit, or does it own me?
How do I find love?
Where am I going from here?
In each chapter ahead, I’ll offer my take on these questions. The answers I give will probably be a lot different than what you came up with. They are not meant to be definitive truths, but simply some new ways of considering your self. I will draw on a lot of ideas that we normally don’t think about when we think about our selves (physics, biology, literature, and philosophy) and link them to knowledge that does (philosophy, psychology, spirituality). Hopefully, these bodies of knowledge will give some new perspectives on your own life experience. But, either way, the goal here is the same: how can you see through the obstacles that are keeping you from flourishing?
Ultimately, the answer to this question will be up to you to figure out. What I won’t (and can’t) provide is a single description of your self, or anyone’s self for that matter. Anyone who says they can is deluding themselves. The self is an elusive quarry. It can’t be easily represented, much less known. Each of us is distinct and complex. We all have our own particular quirks and hang-ups. And there is no single way to know our selves. It’s a bit of cliche, but self knowledge is an ongoing journey, not a single destination, and there are many ways to travel. Nevertheless, many intrepid explorers have gone before us and they have mapped out some useful routes. Nine Questions describes some of these pathways and some fascinating points of interest you’ll see along the way. So let me invite you on a tour of your self.
If you would like to read more, please find a sample chapter of the book HERE